Before I continue on with my oh so lovely and upbeat past life story you’re all dying to hear…ha…let’s talk more about gaslighting.
That term actually originated from a play in the 1930s which also had a film adaptation made in 1944. A film titled…you guessed it: Gaslight.
In this story we follow a husband and wife named Paula and Gregory. The husband begins to slowly manipulated his wife into believing she’s going mad. The name ‘Gaslight’ comes from a part in the film where the husband is using the lights in an upstairs attic. At the same time Paula sees the gaslights dimming and brightening for no apparent reason in the house below. She later tells him and he tells her it’s all in her head. As viewers WE can clearly see him messing with the attic lights, causing the gaslights to flicker, and yet he continues to convince her she’s imagining it.
Essentially, the term we use is to explain when the abuser uses persistent denial, misdirection, contradiction, and lying to make the victim feel unsure of their own sanity.
Also in the movie, Gregory leads Paula to believe she's stealing things without realizing it and hearing noises that aren’t really there. He keeps this up until she begins to question her entire reality. (The ending is intense but I’m not gonna spoil it for those who enjoy older movies and might wanna watch it)
Anyways…in real life like I said before those who ‘gaslight’ may use these kind of tactics to make the victim feel they ‘imagined’ any abuse or mistreatment. Even using it simply to disorientate the victim as a form of abuse on it’s own.
Gaslighting can happen in romantic/intimate relationships, as well as friendships or in families. The goal for the gaslighter is to make their victim undermine their own judgement and reduce their self-esteem, making them easier to manipulate and eventually causes the victim to be dependent on the abuser for longer.
“It can start with seemingly inconsequential, simple physical things” – such as causing the lights to dim but refusing to validate it, like in the movie. Maybe even stealing or moving something and accusing the victim of losing said item. Sometimes even flat out denying events, actions, or words even happened and using the Gaslighter’s favorite phrases: ‘that never happened’ or ‘I never said that’.
They often call their victim ‘crazy’ during these moments to make them genuinely believe it, slowly eroding away at the difference between what’s real and what’s in their own head.
Gaslighting can and most likely will isolate the victim. To maintain control gaslighting abusers will convince the victim that their loved ones are mad at them, or hate them all together. Often the victim feels detached from anyone other then the abuser, and eventually cut off anyone else. Meaning they end up with a smaller or nonexistent support network to escape the abuse they’re suffering.
To make matters worse, often the abusers will even use gaslighting on those around the victim to encourage the story. The abusers family or friends and others around could eventually believe the victim to be crazy, unpredictable, and unstable. In the end the abuser we’ll make themselves look like a victim for having to deal with such a person and a ‘saint’ for sticking around and helping.
Which is why gaslighting is a narcissists favorite tool. But it’s still only one of many in their arsenal.
-to be continued-
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